Hairless Butt Potter and the Pederast's Dong
Book 1: Boy with the Lightning Tattoo
By Patrick McEvoy-Halston and Steig Larsson
Hairless Butt: Uncle, you have me caged in my room and won't sign release forms so I can go on fieldtrips. I'm lonely, isolated -- and without practice in the summer, even my Quidditch is beginning to suck.
Uncle Asshole: You're a sorcerer, the dirtiest human being! You deserve no better! However, you do possess the most admirable hairless butt. How about we put our relationship on more agreeable terms ... If you do something for me, I'll do something for you.
Ron: Hairless Butt! It's great that you can visit during the summer now, and that you can join Hermione and me as we go on fieldtrips. How did you manage this?
[Hairless Butt details the sexual services he provides his pederast uncle so that his uncle will give him these minimal allowances. Ron, hoping to become the next Quidditch team captain and join the bros, begins to distance himself from Hairless Butt. Hermione, first to put up her hand to answer questions but a Catholic recluse on matters of sexuality and abuse, comes to full-time quarantine herself in the library. Hairless Butt becomes even more alone and isolated than he was before.]
Voldemort: Hairless Butt! I've arrived to destroy you!
Hairless Butt: Don't bother. I haven't the faintest interest in destroying you, only in joining you, if you'll allow.
Voldemort: ... Well, of course.... You're not mad that I killed your mother and father?
Hairless Butt: Not as much as I am furious at a world that takes a parentless child and lavishes it with further unrelenting cruelty. I mean, after all, didn't as much happen to you? You were an orphan, which is pretty friggin' sad, and yet the only thing anyone ever hears at Hogwarts is that you're the world's worst person ... and besides, as long as people are loyal to you, you treat them pretty well from what I understand. That would be a miracle coup for me!
Voldemort: Alrighty then. Let's go destroy the world!
Dumbledore! Run for Your Life!
By Patrick McEvoy-Halston and Cormac McCarthy