Get the rings and the bubbly ready, because you're going to officiate the wedding (Ian Knauer, “Cider-bourbon braised bacon,” Salon, 9 December 2009)
So you're pulling a Good Fellas on the poor Wilbur ...
EVIL DUPLICIOUS MAN: "Guess what little piggie! -- we think you're so ring-ding special, we're going to save your hide and anoint you special!!!"
WILBUR: "Squeel! squeel!"
[Evil despicable man leads Wilbur to "ceremony" room]
REPREHENSIBLE, UNEMPATHIC, UNCARING MAN: "Sorry pig, You shouldn't have been born so tasty sweeeeeet . . ."
["Blamo!" -- as voiced by Marisa Tomei, from My Cousin Vinny.]
[Followed by chef-prepared, Wilbur-bourbon; pig-skin wallets for the best men; and a burp, by reprehensible pig-eating thug-man]
-- FIN --
NOTE: You would have to say that a pig WAS very much harmed in the making of this drama, but he got good press, and should prove good to wear.
Next up!: Vegan meat! -- it'll save them from losing their souls to meat from a vat, and us from more of their blather.
[Followed by vegans being ground up, a la Fargo, and a grand feast, catered by the Obama-loyal, grateful to dispense (with) the untrue.]