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Jack Bauer gone soft: Salon's sexiest man alive!

The old Jack is long gone, though, replaced with this sad little half-caf Jack, who takes other people's feelings into account and looks straight into his own daughter's eyes when he's speaking to her. I mean, come on, Jack! What have you become?!

[. . .]

But does Wilty Jack find Dead Inside appealing? Because, let's face it, Wilty Jack is more like a Sexy Lady Victim Du Jour this season, and Dead Inside is more like Classic, Casually Murderous Jack, which means that Dead Inside is likely to ignore Wilty Jack's pleading for sanity and mercy, sallying forth heedlessly kicking ass and taking names as necessary to round up plenty of wayward executail.

But we don't want someone with carefully applied mascara on to save the world! We want Jack Bauer to do it, damn it! (‘“24’: Jack Bauer goes soft,” Heather Havrilesky, 16 January 2010)

Re: “But we don't want someone with carefully applied mascara on to save the world! We want Jack Bauer to do it, damn it!”

Who's "we"? I'm thinking it probably at least ought to be you guys, but I'm doing my damndest to find the old Jack Bauer amongst your 2009 most desired, and not coming up with much.

I'm not sure if James Franco wears mascara, but he probably pees pink. Neil Patrick Harris. Raphael Nadel is to you, all ass, not square-jaw, and delights by dousing fires with a "charming response to a jarring moment." Joseph Gordon-Levitt went all "dolled up as an eyeliner-smeared Nancy Spungen for a fun stab at gender bending," to your approval. Neil Patrick Harris. You "finished" Zach in a way you'd think would have finished him off, making him both a bear and one who wants to cuddle-wuddle with the kids. You really turned on to Lenny Kravitz, only when he tried on Nurse John. Clooney got koodos for being "delighted to enjoy a snuggle with a nerdy goof like Kristof." Levi got it for "going camp." Ted, for being "vulnerable and disarming." Jamie Oliver, for getting kids to eat their broccoli, while being so thoughfully "accessib[ly] charm[ing]."

Neil Patrick Harris.

That pretty much left Rahm as the only candidate for a Jack Bauer, before he got soft. If you're true to your heart, you probably ought now to spend more of your time watching your Rahm: think of him as your agent, balled-up, and even closer to the heat of things.

*****

Jack Bauer doesn't give a shit

Jack Bauer doesn't just piss excellence, he also shits gold.

Bauer is so viral his simple gaze is substitute Viagra.

Jack Bauer is responsible for the birth of 4,440,000, including his own grandchild.

Jack Bauer will have his cake AND eat it too.

There has not been a terrorist attack in the United States since Jack Bauer first appeared on television.

Jack Bauer is the only reason why Waldo is hiding.

Jack Bauer doesn't give a shit and he knows you know he knows that. (yojimbo_7, response to post, “‘24:’ Jack Bauer goes soft”)

But Jack Bauer NOW shits gold, and makes of it, a tiara.

But Jack Bauer is NOW fit for graze, beyond even the hope of Viagra.

But Jack Bauer NOW sighs his responsible, hoping for forgiveness from his over-burdened grandchildren.

But Jack Bauer NOW will have his cake, but well mourn it too.

But Jack Bauer will NOW prove responsible for 4, 440, 000 deaths, since he went all soft on tele.

But to court Jack Bauer is NOW the reason Waldo will finally come out of the closet.

But Jack Bauer NOW gives a shit, and frets you may feel a bit decomposed, should you 'come in the know of it.


Link: “24”: Jack Bauer goes soft (Salon)

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